DRIVING TO FLORIDA
Valeri got married this morning at 12:01 a.m. New Years Day. I bugged her to do
internet dating for two solid years and she met Peter, on her second date. I
have gone on 63 internet dates over the past 4 years and am still sitting here
single…anyway, so I gave a toast at the wedding, and then basically decided I
was solely responsible for finishing all the remaining champagne which was less
than brilliant to say the least as I had to drive 1350 miles to Seaside, Florida
from Summit, New Jersey this morning. I’m going down there for a month to make
my mixed-media assemblages at the Seaside Institute, a January program for 9
selected writers and artists….so I wake up this morning at 8am feeling like crap
of course and drive 10 solid hours, speeding at 85-90 m.p.h. and pull into a
Comfort Inn in Georgia at ‘South of the Border’ of all places. Now we know where
that is. Anyway…I am about to pass out, and look up in the rear view mirror and
see this State Police Cop right behind me, with his fucking red white + blue
lights spinning around in circles. FUCK, I thought, I’m getting a fucking $250
speeding ticket, my insurance up the wazoo, and I’m probably still drunk, a
D.W.I. from drinking 10,000 bottles of champagne…and let’s see, my New York
license plates with the ‘I’m a Democrat and I’m O.K.’ stickers on the back is
NOT going to help, and he walks over to me, shines a huge light in my face and
says, “Are you aware that you went through a stop sign?”, oh yeah, a speed
trap….a fucking stop sign are you fucking kidding me????? I was so relieved that
I wasn’t going to jail that I burst into tears. He asked me where I was going,
and knowing better said, “I’m taking an art class in Florida”. He said, looking
at these very gross tarps I had covering everything in the van, “what’s in the
van?”….I wanted to give him the list of amazing stuff…found rusted objects from
all over the world, my framed photographs from Beijing, China I am lecturing on
and exhibiting at the University of Western Pensacola, about $30,000 worth of
computer equipment , art books, jig saws drills + paints, and let’s not forget
some of my favorite wardrobe of Prada and Miu Miu, “They’re arts and craft
supplies,” I said, tears of relief streaming down my face. He told me to get
lost, I was lucky, it was New Years. I couldn’t believe it, who would have
believed it, only in fairy tails. Crying I guess works but not in New York,
believe me. I went to my room and watched "50 First Dates" on HBO. The next day I drove 80-85
m.p.h., just to be safe.